How Complex Trauma Shapes High Achievers and Tips for Navigating Family Triggers
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and celebration, but for many high achievers, this season can feel heavy and overwhelming.
If you’ve grown up experiencing complex trauma, holiday gatherings with family can bring up old wounds, trigger unresolved feelings, and leave you feeling emotionally drained.
This blog explores how complex trauma during childhood shapes high-achieving behaviors and provides compassionate, practical tools to help you navigate triggers when visiting family during the holidays.
What is Complex Trauma?
Complex trauma occurs when a child experiences ongoing, repeated emotional, physical, or relational harm over a long period—often at the hands of caregivers. Unlike a single traumatic event, complex trauma is layered and relational, affecting a child's sense of safety and self-worth.
Examples of complex trauma include:
Emotional neglect or abandonment, where your feelings were dismissed or ignored or your parent was emotionally unavailable due to their own unresolved trauma or mental health issues.
Growing up with a parent who struggled with addiction, creating an unpredictable and unsafe environment.
Verbal abuse, where you were frequently criticized or shamed.
Being parentified, where you had to care for siblings or emotionally support a parent.
Favoritism, where parents give preferential treatment to one child over another.
Overprotective or controlling caregivers.
Parents using guilt, manipulation, or emotional blackmail to control their children.
Growing up with a parent who struggled with their own emotional regulation.
Enmeshment, where there was an unhealthy level of emotional closeness or boundary violations.
Excessive Pressure, where you were pushed to meet unrealistic expectations or achieve specific goals.
Growing up with parents who assigned blame to one child for family problems can lead. to the scapegoated child experiencing persistent emotional distress.
Parents who use the silent treatment as a form of punishment or manipulation can instill fear and anxiety in their child.
Parents who consistently dismiss their child's thoughts, feelings, or opinions can lead to a sense of worthlessness and self-doubt.
Conditional love, where parents only express love and affection when their child meets certain conditions or expectations can create an environment of insecurity and anxiety.
Children in these environments adapt to survive. They learn to achieve, excel, and overperform because it’s a way to feel seen, valued, or safe. For example, if getting straight A’s or excelling in sports earned praise or avoided conflict, those achievements became a lifeline.
But here’s the thing: this is not your fault.
Your high-achieving tendencies are a response to complex trauma, not a character flaw. Holding parents accountable for their actions is essential for healing—it was their job to provide a safe, nurturing environment, and they fell short.
Why the Holidays Can Be Triggering:
Holiday gatherings can be particularly tough for individuals who experienced complex trauma because they bring you face-to-face with the very dynamics that shaped your coping mechanisms. Here’s why:
Unrealistic Expectations: Family members might expect you to act a certain way, ignoring the pain or history of the relationship.
Old Roles Resurface: You may feel pulled into childhood roles, like the peacekeeper, overachiever, or scapegoat.
Triggers Everywhere: The sights, smells, or traditions of the holidays can bring back difficult memories.
Pressure to Conform: Boundaries may not be respected, and your efforts to assert yourself could be met with guilt trips or dismissive comments.
These triggers can leave you feeling anxious, resentful, or even ashamed—none of which you deserve to carry.
How to Navigate Trauma Triggers During the Holidays:
Acknowledging that the holidays might be difficult is a powerful first step. Here are strategies to support yourself:
Self-Soothing and Somatic Practices:
Deep Breathing: Practice box breathing (in for 4 counts, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4). This can calm your nervous system during tense moments.
Grounding Techniques: When you feel overwhelmed, press your feet into the ground, notice the sensation, and name five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you taste.
Movement: Whether it’s stretching, shaking your arms out, or taking a walk, movement helps release stored tension from your body.
2. Setting Boundaries with Family:
Prepare Scripts: If you anticipate difficult conversations, practice responses ahead of time. For example:
“I’d prefer not to talk about that right now.”
“I’m focusing on my own well-being, and I hope you can respect that.”
Limit Time Together: If spending extended periods with family feels too much, schedule shorter visits or set clear start and end times.
Create Safe Spaces: Identify a quiet room or step outside if you need to regroup during the gathering.
3. Stay Connected to Your Support System: Lean on friends, a therapist, or a supportive community who understand complex trauma and can offer validation and encouragement.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Say No: You don’t owe anyone your presence, explanations, or energy. If a situation feels too overwhelming, it’s okay to decline the invitation or leave early.
If you find yourself struggling this holiday season, remember that you’re not alone. The high-achieving behaviors that helped you survive complex trauma are not a flaw—they’re a testament to your resilience.
Healing takes time, and navigating family dynamics during the holidays is no small feat. Be gentle with yourself, prioritize your well-being, and remember: you’re worthy of love and peace exactly as you are.
By understanding how complex trauma shaped your behaviors and using the tools above, you can approach the holiday season with more compassion and strength.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
This holiday season, amidst the hustle, overwhelm, and family triggers, consider giving yourself a gift—a moment of care and connection that’s just for you. I’ve created a 15-Minute Body Reset to help you calm your mind, release tension, and reconnect with your body.
This guided practice is a small yet powerful way to center yourself during high-stress moments and create space for peace and self-compassion.
